Chuck Norris the Van Facts

I created this list in honor of my new van, Chuck Norris... the irony is that he isn't working correctly at the moment... oh well... still enjoyable!

1. Chuck Norris doesn't need his oil changed. His oil changes itself.
2. Chuck Norris isn't driven, he's already there.
3. Chuck Norris's handicap plate doesn't signify his disability, rather his ability to make you handicap if you cut him off.
4. All of Chuck Norris's belts are black and can round house kick you in the face.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't need breaks. Traffic moves around him.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't need gas. He runs on the tears of children.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't need windshield wipes. Rain repels from the windshield out of fear.
8. Chuck Norris can go from 0 - awesome in .000000001 seconds.
9. Chuck Norris's transmission was renamed mission accomplished.
10. Once a 2009 Escalade cut off Chuck Norris, and he round house kicked him into a 1971 Ford Pinto.
11. Emergency vehicles pull to the side when they see Chuck Norris coming.
12. Buckle up for Chuck Norris. He is the law.
13. Chuck Norris doesn't have to worry about speeding tickets because you can't clock awesome.
14. Chuck Norris's unborn child can kick your kid on honor roll's ass.

Cakesters

Cakesters...

As I canvassed the cookie aisle, like I normally do, I came across a product that I stared at for a good 6 minutes. It was the Oreo Cakester. I couldn’t understand why I was so baffled by Oreo’s new invention. I love Oreos. I love cake. Deductive reasoning - oreo + cake = awesome... Yet, for some reason they look super gross. It was this intrigue that forced me to take them home. PSA: Don’t do the same thing. Wow. After biting it and spitting it into the trashcan almost simultaneously, I had a revelation of how the Cakester came to fruition. No my friends, it was not the overwhelming desire to combine cake and oreos into a fantastic combination of deliciousness. Had that been the case, it would not taste as though a moon-pie threw up and they put it in a box. Here is what I think happened.

Jim and Susan were working in the factory making oreos, when Susan noticed that the water jug needed to be refilled. Jim, the scrawny worker who spends his spare time playing World of Warcraft, wanted to impress his female coworker. He promptly volunteered for the daunting task. For reasons unbeknownst to the workers of the Oreo factory, the water cooler is extremely close to the conveyor belt. Perhaps as people watch the Oreos progress to their happy home in the sealed plastic bag, they get thirsty and cannot risk taking an eye of these tasty treats for the cookies like to jump ship before reaching the final product. Nonetheless, Jim carried the jug. His arms shaking and knees buckling under the jug that weighs about the same as Jim. Yet, his eyes remained on the prize: impressing Susan. Striding with every ounce of his tiny frame, he reaches the cooler. As he went to place the new jug on the cooler, his hand, from the combination of condensation and sweat, slipped. The jug and it’s 5 Gallons of water spun around and landed on the conveyor belt filled with newly sandwiched cookies. Everyone in the factory runs to the area of the incident and they noticed something bizarre. The cookies puffed up like a sponge or those magic growing toys. As the boss approached the belt, primed and ready to fire someone, Jim - trying to save his job - spits out the phrase, “They aren’t ruined! I just invented a new cookie! The... um... CAKESTER!” The boss, looked at him with his generic blank stare, thinking of how he could take credit, saw the dollar signs in the sky, and agreed to let Jim’s mishap slide. Susan was impressed at his quick thinking and Jim won the girl. Good for Jim, but craptastic for us! No one should have to be subjected to these cookies. If that’s what you want to call them.

Letters to Nickelodeon

December 2, 2007

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hello! First, I just want to commend you on some brilliant programming. The fact that over the years you have had the ability to transcend cultures and age through shows about square kitchen cleaning items, saluting shorts, having to climb a giant rock-esque wall only get a piece of it in the end and a doctor gnome who rides a fox, makes me a devoted fan. Yet, while I was perusing the channels the other day I landed on a show of yours that baffled me. It is apparently called “Catdog” and in case you are unaware, it consists of a creature with a dog head on one end and a cat on the other. While I can appreciate the juxtaposition of the societal deemed enemies forced together beyond their control, there is a question that automatically sprung to mind. According to anatomy of mammals and Wikipedia, the kidney is located near the bottom of the spine and to which the water from the blood is directed. From there, it needs to excreted from the body. So, my question is, how the heck does Catdog pee?

Thanks! Looking forward to your answers.

Love,
Shannon DeVido


April 2, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hi again! I haven’t heard from you since my last letter, but I am sure you are busy. I hope everything is going well for you. I am writing because I have another question regarding this so called, “CatDog.” Now ultimately, the being had to be conceived by a dog and a cat. Does CatDog know his parents? Furthermore, did society shun them for their unconventional love? What happened to them? Did they raise CatDog together? I understand that the Greaser Dogs – Cliff, Lube, and Shriek – often rag on CatDog for being different. Did his parents offer any advice on how to overcome the torment he would potentially face over the course of his years?

Reading through the previous paragraph, it occurred to me that I suggested CatDog is a “he,” yet without the appearance of genitalia, is the sex of CatDog known?

Thanks!

Love,

Shannon DeVido

July 18, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hi again. Still haven’t heard from you, but I’m sure the letters are coming. Follow up from the previous letters. Having studied the effects of spinal cord injuries, when the thoracic and lumbar levels of the spine are jeopardized, areas of the body, including the legs and abdomen, are affected. Furthermore, in the central nervous system, neurons from the brain send signals through the spine to allow the growth and full usage of the muscles as well as the functionality of the body. Should this process be compromised in any way, the body would no longer be able to operate. Looking at the physiological makeup of CatDog, it appears he/she (I still haven’t received a proper answer on the sex of it) could possibly be joined at the spine. Is this an accurate assumption? I am concerned if he/she plays too hard, that his/her body may combust. It’s tragedy waiting to occur on television.

I’m patiently awaiting your answers.

Xoxo,

Shannon DeVido


September 1, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

It’s me again. Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you and I’m concerned something bad has happened. So, while I was buying dog food for my dog Mia, it occurred to me that cats and dogs eat different foods. When buying food, does CatDog buy dog food or cat food? Also, while dogs are allergic to chocolate, cats are not. Can CatDog eat chocolate?

Thanks!

Kisses and poodles,

Shannon DeVido



December 8, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon,

Hello! Hope you haven’t forgotten about me. I’m sure you're writing me as we speak, so hopefully this will reach you before you send that letter with all my answers. The Cat side of CatDog has a crush on Tallulah, yet, as I pointed out in a previous letter, CatDog does not appear to have any genitalia. My question is more of a philosophical one. Is the origin of love in the brain? Moreover, the observation of CatDog’s love is a firm affirmation that attraction is not chosen, yet, it is a chemical reaction within the brain. Do you agree?

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Love always,

Shannon DeVido

Thoughts from the subway

When one goes down into the subway various thoughts run through their head. I wonder what crazy people touching themselves I am going to be in close proximity to today. or Hopefully the train is running on time because I have used the excuse the train was running late one too many times this week. or the always fun... I hope I win at guess the smell today. Yet, many people do not have the thought I hope I don't get stuck in the subway, be berated by angry woman police officers, be saved by the hottest cop in NYC, only to get stuck in an elevator 20 minutes later. Luckily, my good friend Alyson and I had the pleasure of living out this rarely thought notion.

It all started at 4:00 am when we woke up to get on a train to NYC so I could walk down a hallway in an episode of Rescue Me - oh the irony. (Alyson is way too good of a friend, but you will see this more and more as the day progresses) We arrive just as the train is pulling up and on we go! We arrive to the hustle and bustle of the morning commuters all furiously scurrying to their high power office jobs. They pick up their morning coffee at the 12 Dunkin Donuts they pass and Alyson and I make our way to the subway, super hungry, because even though we awoke at the crack of freaking dawn, we somehow were running a bit late.

We go down the elevator and get onto the subway we believed was bound for my job on Roosevelt Island. (I have deemed this a place normal people should avoid. Seriously if you want to be part of NYC, push your island closer so that we can take a freaking bus to you) Sadly, we were going the wrong way. Now, normally this would not be a problem. So, we get off at an "accessible" station assuming that we could just cross over and get on the correct train, and only be a few minutes late. haha! Hold it right there. The universe said we're not making it that easy. Sorry! We get out to find the elevator is broken and this is the last accessible station. Awesome! Alyson gets on the little intercom to a lady that one can only describe as the person who applied for the greeter at the Oz door but didn't get the job and has since then had her soul sucked out by a bus Little Mermaid style. Needless to say she was the least helpful person ever and I decided to walk over and talk to the people running the subway. Now I understand that being from another country often prohibits you from understanding what I am saying to you, but looking at me like I have just pushed an old lady with a walker onto the tracks and stole her apples is not necessary. Finally they called over the two female cops that were just a joy to speak with. And when I say a joy, what I really mean is I would rather hit myself with a frying pan than speak with them again. After us explaining the situation to these two people whose job description is help people in need, they refused to help us stating it was agaist their rules. Yeah...

So Alyson goes up to make a phone call for me, and while she is up there, down the stairs came my four knights in shining... well... navy blue police uniforms. Officer McCartney (I love you... if you are reading this... I don't live far... we can make this work), Officer Alfonso, Officer Tornin and Officer Wecantrememberhisnamebuthewasverynice. After getting in a heated argument with the bitch officers, they came to the conclusion that they would carry my chair up the stairs while Alyson takes me up. How they carried it up the stairs was much like the four guys carrying the volkswagon in that Mentos commercial, minus the mentos. I will always carry mentos for these moments. (Kudos to that comparison, Aly)

7:45 am - HURRAY! We're out and ready to go down the other elevator and get to my job! We get in and yes happy reader, we get to the bottom and the door will not open. So, we try again only to get stuck 3 feet above the floor and the door now jammed. How great! Now we're stuck in the elevator. We call our soulless friend on the intercom again who does a whole lot of nothing. Down come our band of merry police officers who try to pry us out. As strong (and beautiful) as they (well, one of them) were they were unsuccessful. So, they call... The fire department! Woo! We decided that seeing as I needed to go to a hospital, if they had shot us, people would have arrived quicker and I would have gotten to my job! It was a win win... Unfortunately they did not agree. Finally 45 minutes, a few panic attacks and the game of guess the rancid smell having lost it's entertainment value later, the firefighter (in full uniform I might add) arrives! He frees us from our pee filled shack, without using his ax. (bummer...)

We get on our train, get to my job at Rescue Me (so grateful that they allowed me to work), laughed at the irony that I became the most dedicated method actor ever, vowed never to ride the subway again, became so incredibly grateful to have Alyson, ended up getting roses at SuperMac and had a great day. Still, the journey to get there was definitely not boring. Just another day in my crazy life. :)

New BlogSpace

Hi!! Welcome to my new blogspace! The following blogs are from my myspace blogs, but look for more adventures and thoughts to come. Thanks for reading!

Kids

At 25, most females my age are thinking about having children and starting families. As I sit here at my computer, Yellowcard pop-punk fusion blasting and a picture of a the Simpson inspiring donut store as my background, I am thinking it's perhaps not where my head is located at this time. Yet, after just viewing my friend's myspace and the new pictures of her child all dressed up for Halloween the urge to have a child grew. Reason – The ability to have get free candy comes flying back into the picture. If you have a child you can go trick or treating again! Okay, yes, you have to deal with the temper tantrums, the crying, the pooping, the waking you up at 5 in the morning to tell you that they are hungry when clearly the fruit loops are sitting right on the shelf and they could go grab them but don't for God knows what reason… okay… scratch that…new plan. I will borrow my friend's children on Halloween. Here is how I see this going down... "After a long day at your 'responsible' 'grownup' real job, I'm sure the last thing you feel like doing is taking your kids door to door in the cold. I'm not doing anything tonight. Why don't I take them for you? … No, it's no trouble at all… I am that good of a friend." Then you bring an extra bag and say, "Do you mind throwing an extra piece in this bag for Suzie's (yeah, no kids are named Suzie these day…)... for Apple's younger brother Cumquat? He is home sick and we don't want to leave him out." Bag of candy for you, check! Granted you would have to go to a different development each year, but totally worth it. Plus, it's a solid reason to break out my killer Rainbow Brite costume. It's perfectly natural to feel jealous. Feel free to borrow it. I'm here to help.

Grammy Thoughts

As I sat watching the Grammys last night it left me saying, thank God the writers are returning soon because putting people through this kind of torture due to the fact that NOTHING else is on, is just flat out mean. (Side note to the lack of TV: I have become obsessed with the democratic nomination selection... I am reduced to caring about our political system. What kind of America is this...)

Yet, I produced a few thoughts, which I found extremely surprising that some existed as I felt my brain cells fleeing out my ears in horror.

1. I was perusing my rock star handbook, there are only two types of people who are allowed to wear sunglasses indoors. (Shockingly the man who wrote I wear sunglasses at night is not on the list) Those people are the ones who are blind (Stevie Wonder, Andrea Boccelli) and Bono. Even though I think one who doesn't have a grasp on speaking English and using correct grammar should be a disability, but last time I checked you still don't get to park in the good spaces. Flo Rida, I'm talking to you. Take off the glasses. You look like a moron.

2. What is the attraction to Amy Winehouse? She is nuts, her music is crap and a half, and she sounds like a man. They tried to make me listen and I said no, no, no. This is a mystery that will puzzle me for YEARS to come. I do have a theory that one of her tattoos is hypnotic and anyone that gets near her becomes entranced. It's either that or the car wreck theory. It's so horrible, but you can't look away. I will say this for her though, at least Cyndi Lauper has found a kindred spirit. They can go be insanely bizarre together.

3. I thought Herbie Hancock was a car from a Disney movie.

4. Tina Turner has the most amazing legs of any 70 year old in the universe, but was it me or did she seem to have a load in her tinfoil color spandex? Also, next time Beyonce, could you make your outfit a little shorter? It was really inconsiderate of you to think that the people in the balcony could see up your dress. Yes the entire orchestra could, but you really don't care about the people in the cheap seats.

5. Was that man in the Time playing a keytar? Oh my gosh... there is a God.

6. Finally, if Josh Groban and Andrea Boccelli sounded any better I am pretty sure they would be shipped off to "Too Talented Island." I hear it is a lot like Lost only the dialog and story lines make sense.