New Candidate

During the writers strike and my TiVo’s lack of usage, I turned to the next best thing. I began watching a lot about the upcoming election. From the debates asking the same six questions with minimal word rearranging to the flying pie charts on CNN to the always correct internet stories and finally probably the most credible source, Comedy Central, I watched or read it all. Though my top choices seemed to bail out early (John Edwards and Steven Colbert), my support fell to the always charismatic Obama. Perhaps the best candidate in my mind, yet flawed, I began to ponder who I would vote for if I could pick the ideal candidate. Someone who could lead our country to a fruitful economy, great foreign relationships and a generally happy society free from most of the hardships we seem to have an abundance of these days. After much debate with myself and a lot of frozen yogurt, I came to a name that I feel would fulfill all these things. Santa. Yep. Santa. Wait, hear me out! Regardless of your religion, it is common consensus that he is one of the most jolly people of all time. Looking at him and not smiling or being a little happier would require a lack of soul, which would make finding those people much easier. He doesn’t falter under pressure and is very ambitious. Santa cares about the human race and only has the best interest of his people in mind. His foreign relation skills are outstanding! I’ve seen the Santa tracker. Every year he goes to every country and checks in to open arms. He is also extremely efficient and gets crap done. Not only does he finish things he sets out to do, but he surrounds himself with hard workers who are also devoted to the best interest of the people. With their little person stature, they bring diversity that is lacking in the white house. Furthermore, (and this was what sold me) his ability to know where we are at all times, see when we’re sleeping and knowing when we are awake, as well as knowing when we’ve been bad or good would be insanely helpful to the CIA. We could just show him a picture of a bad guy. Santa can say, "Yep. He’s awake, he’s in a cave in blah bliddy blah and yep, he’s been a bastard." The CIA or Military can then go in, get the little prick and the problem is solved rather than developing a huge war that destroys our economy, country moral and foreign relations. Not that anything like that has happened... Finally, with Santa comes presents!! Who doesn’t like presents? Okay, maybe those poor people that had to pay crazy high taxes on the free cars from Oprah, but on the whole, No one! I bet if you went to take a tour of the white house, you’d leave with new and exciting knowledge about our presidents and the white house...and a pony. So, in conclusion, I think Santa would be an ideal choice. He’s always dressed in a suit and while it has been suggested that he has a history of breaking and entering, no formal charges have ever been filed and he has never been convicted. Vote Santa 2008. Thank you for your time. :)