Chuck Norris the Van Facts

I created this list in honor of my new van, Chuck Norris... the irony is that he isn't working correctly at the moment... oh well... still enjoyable!

1. Chuck Norris doesn't need his oil changed. His oil changes itself.
2. Chuck Norris isn't driven, he's already there.
3. Chuck Norris's handicap plate doesn't signify his disability, rather his ability to make you handicap if you cut him off.
4. All of Chuck Norris's belts are black and can round house kick you in the face.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't need breaks. Traffic moves around him.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't need gas. He runs on the tears of children.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't need windshield wipes. Rain repels from the windshield out of fear.
8. Chuck Norris can go from 0 - awesome in .000000001 seconds.
9. Chuck Norris's transmission was renamed mission accomplished.
10. Once a 2009 Escalade cut off Chuck Norris, and he round house kicked him into a 1971 Ford Pinto.
11. Emergency vehicles pull to the side when they see Chuck Norris coming.
12. Buckle up for Chuck Norris. He is the law.
13. Chuck Norris doesn't have to worry about speeding tickets because you can't clock awesome.
14. Chuck Norris's unborn child can kick your kid on honor roll's ass.

Cakesters

Cakesters...

As I canvassed the cookie aisle, like I normally do, I came across a product that I stared at for a good 6 minutes. It was the Oreo Cakester. I couldn’t understand why I was so baffled by Oreo’s new invention. I love Oreos. I love cake. Deductive reasoning - oreo + cake = awesome... Yet, for some reason they look super gross. It was this intrigue that forced me to take them home. PSA: Don’t do the same thing. Wow. After biting it and spitting it into the trashcan almost simultaneously, I had a revelation of how the Cakester came to fruition. No my friends, it was not the overwhelming desire to combine cake and oreos into a fantastic combination of deliciousness. Had that been the case, it would not taste as though a moon-pie threw up and they put it in a box. Here is what I think happened.

Jim and Susan were working in the factory making oreos, when Susan noticed that the water jug needed to be refilled. Jim, the scrawny worker who spends his spare time playing World of Warcraft, wanted to impress his female coworker. He promptly volunteered for the daunting task. For reasons unbeknownst to the workers of the Oreo factory, the water cooler is extremely close to the conveyor belt. Perhaps as people watch the Oreos progress to their happy home in the sealed plastic bag, they get thirsty and cannot risk taking an eye of these tasty treats for the cookies like to jump ship before reaching the final product. Nonetheless, Jim carried the jug. His arms shaking and knees buckling under the jug that weighs about the same as Jim. Yet, his eyes remained on the prize: impressing Susan. Striding with every ounce of his tiny frame, he reaches the cooler. As he went to place the new jug on the cooler, his hand, from the combination of condensation and sweat, slipped. The jug and it’s 5 Gallons of water spun around and landed on the conveyor belt filled with newly sandwiched cookies. Everyone in the factory runs to the area of the incident and they noticed something bizarre. The cookies puffed up like a sponge or those magic growing toys. As the boss approached the belt, primed and ready to fire someone, Jim - trying to save his job - spits out the phrase, “They aren’t ruined! I just invented a new cookie! The... um... CAKESTER!” The boss, looked at him with his generic blank stare, thinking of how he could take credit, saw the dollar signs in the sky, and agreed to let Jim’s mishap slide. Susan was impressed at his quick thinking and Jim won the girl. Good for Jim, but craptastic for us! No one should have to be subjected to these cookies. If that’s what you want to call them.

Letters to Nickelodeon

December 2, 2007

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hello! First, I just want to commend you on some brilliant programming. The fact that over the years you have had the ability to transcend cultures and age through shows about square kitchen cleaning items, saluting shorts, having to climb a giant rock-esque wall only get a piece of it in the end and a doctor gnome who rides a fox, makes me a devoted fan. Yet, while I was perusing the channels the other day I landed on a show of yours that baffled me. It is apparently called “Catdog” and in case you are unaware, it consists of a creature with a dog head on one end and a cat on the other. While I can appreciate the juxtaposition of the societal deemed enemies forced together beyond their control, there is a question that automatically sprung to mind. According to anatomy of mammals and Wikipedia, the kidney is located near the bottom of the spine and to which the water from the blood is directed. From there, it needs to excreted from the body. So, my question is, how the heck does Catdog pee?

Thanks! Looking forward to your answers.

Love,
Shannon DeVido


April 2, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hi again! I haven’t heard from you since my last letter, but I am sure you are busy. I hope everything is going well for you. I am writing because I have another question regarding this so called, “CatDog.” Now ultimately, the being had to be conceived by a dog and a cat. Does CatDog know his parents? Furthermore, did society shun them for their unconventional love? What happened to them? Did they raise CatDog together? I understand that the Greaser Dogs – Cliff, Lube, and Shriek – often rag on CatDog for being different. Did his parents offer any advice on how to overcome the torment he would potentially face over the course of his years?

Reading through the previous paragraph, it occurred to me that I suggested CatDog is a “he,” yet without the appearance of genitalia, is the sex of CatDog known?

Thanks!

Love,

Shannon DeVido

July 18, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hi again. Still haven’t heard from you, but I’m sure the letters are coming. Follow up from the previous letters. Having studied the effects of spinal cord injuries, when the thoracic and lumbar levels of the spine are jeopardized, areas of the body, including the legs and abdomen, are affected. Furthermore, in the central nervous system, neurons from the brain send signals through the spine to allow the growth and full usage of the muscles as well as the functionality of the body. Should this process be compromised in any way, the body would no longer be able to operate. Looking at the physiological makeup of CatDog, it appears he/she (I still haven’t received a proper answer on the sex of it) could possibly be joined at the spine. Is this an accurate assumption? I am concerned if he/she plays too hard, that his/her body may combust. It’s tragedy waiting to occur on television.

I’m patiently awaiting your answers.

Xoxo,

Shannon DeVido


September 1, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

It’s me again. Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you and I’m concerned something bad has happened. So, while I was buying dog food for my dog Mia, it occurred to me that cats and dogs eat different foods. When buying food, does CatDog buy dog food or cat food? Also, while dogs are allergic to chocolate, cats are not. Can CatDog eat chocolate?

Thanks!

Kisses and poodles,

Shannon DeVido



December 8, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon,

Hello! Hope you haven’t forgotten about me. I’m sure you're writing me as we speak, so hopefully this will reach you before you send that letter with all my answers. The Cat side of CatDog has a crush on Tallulah, yet, as I pointed out in a previous letter, CatDog does not appear to have any genitalia. My question is more of a philosophical one. Is the origin of love in the brain? Moreover, the observation of CatDog’s love is a firm affirmation that attraction is not chosen, yet, it is a chemical reaction within the brain. Do you agree?

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Love always,

Shannon DeVido