Chuck Norris the Van Facts

I created this list in honor of my new van, Chuck Norris... the irony is that he isn't working correctly at the moment... oh well... still enjoyable!

1. Chuck Norris doesn't need his oil changed. His oil changes itself.
2. Chuck Norris isn't driven, he's already there.
3. Chuck Norris's handicap plate doesn't signify his disability, rather his ability to make you handicap if you cut him off.
4. All of Chuck Norris's belts are black and can round house kick you in the face.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't need breaks. Traffic moves around him.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't need gas. He runs on the tears of children.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't need windshield wipes. Rain repels from the windshield out of fear.
8. Chuck Norris can go from 0 - awesome in .000000001 seconds.
9. Chuck Norris's transmission was renamed mission accomplished.
10. Once a 2009 Escalade cut off Chuck Norris, and he round house kicked him into a 1971 Ford Pinto.
11. Emergency vehicles pull to the side when they see Chuck Norris coming.
12. Buckle up for Chuck Norris. He is the law.
13. Chuck Norris doesn't have to worry about speeding tickets because you can't clock awesome.
14. Chuck Norris's unborn child can kick your kid on honor roll's ass.

Cakesters

Cakesters...

As I canvassed the cookie aisle, like I normally do, I came across a product that I stared at for a good 6 minutes. It was the Oreo Cakester. I couldn’t understand why I was so baffled by Oreo’s new invention. I love Oreos. I love cake. Deductive reasoning - oreo + cake = awesome... Yet, for some reason they look super gross. It was this intrigue that forced me to take them home. PSA: Don’t do the same thing. Wow. After biting it and spitting it into the trashcan almost simultaneously, I had a revelation of how the Cakester came to fruition. No my friends, it was not the overwhelming desire to combine cake and oreos into a fantastic combination of deliciousness. Had that been the case, it would not taste as though a moon-pie threw up and they put it in a box. Here is what I think happened.

Jim and Susan were working in the factory making oreos, when Susan noticed that the water jug needed to be refilled. Jim, the scrawny worker who spends his spare time playing World of Warcraft, wanted to impress his female coworker. He promptly volunteered for the daunting task. For reasons unbeknownst to the workers of the Oreo factory, the water cooler is extremely close to the conveyor belt. Perhaps as people watch the Oreos progress to their happy home in the sealed plastic bag, they get thirsty and cannot risk taking an eye of these tasty treats for the cookies like to jump ship before reaching the final product. Nonetheless, Jim carried the jug. His arms shaking and knees buckling under the jug that weighs about the same as Jim. Yet, his eyes remained on the prize: impressing Susan. Striding with every ounce of his tiny frame, he reaches the cooler. As he went to place the new jug on the cooler, his hand, from the combination of condensation and sweat, slipped. The jug and it’s 5 Gallons of water spun around and landed on the conveyor belt filled with newly sandwiched cookies. Everyone in the factory runs to the area of the incident and they noticed something bizarre. The cookies puffed up like a sponge or those magic growing toys. As the boss approached the belt, primed and ready to fire someone, Jim - trying to save his job - spits out the phrase, “They aren’t ruined! I just invented a new cookie! The... um... CAKESTER!” The boss, looked at him with his generic blank stare, thinking of how he could take credit, saw the dollar signs in the sky, and agreed to let Jim’s mishap slide. Susan was impressed at his quick thinking and Jim won the girl. Good for Jim, but craptastic for us! No one should have to be subjected to these cookies. If that’s what you want to call them.