Adventures in Shannonland

Curious Case Of Weezer... Button

2010-05-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

I spend a large majority of my day in my van. Therefore, I also receive a generous radio intake. In between the 500 commercials, the radio stations to which I listen play a lot of Weezer songs. Had this been 10 years ago, I would have been ecstatic. Yet, with their latest release, “I’m Your Daddy,” I am pushed to question if Weezer has just decided to give up on songwriting, or whether something else is going on. As I sit in the parking lot known as 95 during rush hour, an amazing conclusion popped into my head. I don’t think their gradual loss of musical ability is their fault. I think that Weezer’s music career is regressing in age, ala Benjamin Button.

Let’s observe the facts, their debut album in 1994 contained the song “Buddy Holly.” They used unique melody lines paired with interesting, clever and intelligent lyrical references. Was it quirky? Of course! Was it brilliant and fun all rolled into a ball? Most definitely. Paired with Spike Jones, they thought to superimpose themselves into a Happy Days inspired video. I still question how they made that happen. Okay, not really, I know how it was done... but go with me. The album didn’t end with “Buddy Holly,” “Say it Ain’t So” (probably my favorite) and “Undone - The Sweater Song” also graced one of the most well conceived debut albums. The prime of their lives.

Pinkerton, is when the regression starts to begin. Not because I think the songs are awful, I actually think “The Good Life” is a super fun song with great melodic structure. Yet, it was voted by Rolling Stone as one of the worst albums of 1996. This is the awkward right out of college, figuring out what to do with your life stage of their musical career.

I loved Island in the Sun when I was a freshman in college. Which is truly what this portion of their musical career represents. The fun, happy-go-lucky time when it really doesn’t matter if you say interesting things, because you’re probably drunk anyway. The college years.

Keep Fishin had a musical video featuring the Muppets. The Muppets are freaking awesome, but I feel as though they were trying to appeal to the high school demographic that thinks it quirky to like the muppets. They don’t really know why, but it has to be a psychological desire to stay a kid while rebelling against their authoritative figures. The song is very simple, and catchy, perfect for the high school setting.

When Beverly Hills came out, they sounded like rich freshman talking about how they didn’t get their island for their birthday. Just like I want to punch freshman, I often punched my radio after yelling, “You are a part of Beverly Hills, asshole!! You have tons of money! This isn’t ironic, it’s just annoying.”

Finally, Raditude. I feel like I am listening to a middle school kid do a project for school. I almost wish he paid a kid in Jr. High to write down some thoughts in homeroom for these songs. It would be a better story. “The rest of the summer was the best we've ever had/We watched titanic and it didn't make us sad/I took you to Best Buy/You took me home to meet your mom and dad” REALLY? How old are you? Answer: In musical regression career years: 12.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button may have been adapted from F. Scott Fitzgerald, but he must have been a time traveller because his short story is adapted from Weezer’s career.

Thoughts from the City

2010-03-20T19:21:00.001-07:00

While killing time in New York, I find myself alone in my thoughts... Here's a look inside my thoughts from the other day...

- Times square has the single largest Target ad of all time. Where is the Target in which the people looking at the ad can experience the joy that is buying an extremely cute purse and granola bars all at one amazing shot? New Jersey. Therefore, under further analyzation, this is actually a HUGE ad for Jersey. You're welcome, New Jersey.

- The idea of mugging someone is not something that has ever entered into my thought stream. Then a woman carrying two bags of Crumbs cupcakes started walking next to me. I've never wanted punch a small elderly woman and take her bags of cupcakes so badly... by the time I decided it would be worth it, she was gone. Watch out lady... next time... next time...

- Mac and Cheese wins. I would like to give the inventor a hug.

- While standing in St. Patrick's Cathedral, the song Hallelujah came on. That was fucking weird....

- When I act, I liken myself to John Mayer. I have talent, but the faces I make are absolutely ridiculous. I would... and do... make fun of myself.

- HOLY SHIT!!!! (After getting almost killed by a taxi that doesn't seem to understand traffic signals.)

That's all for now from the crazy head of Shannon.. stay tuned for more...

Old Blogs

2010-03-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

I found some old blogs on MySpace... I know! So, 2008... I'm closing my myspace because I have forgotten about it, but these blogs made me smile, so I thought I'd throw them on here... I hope you enjoy...

Kids 11/18
At 25, most females my age are thinking about having children and starting families. As I sit here at my computer, Yellowcard pop-punk fusion blasting and a picture of a the Simpson inspiring donut store as my background, I am thinking perhaps not where my head is located at this time. Yet, after just viewing my friend's myspace and the new pictures of her child all dressed up for Halloween the urge to have a child grew. Reason – The ability to have get free candy comes flying back into the picture. If you have a child you can go trick or treating again! Okay, yes, you have to deal with the temper tantrums, the crying, the pooping, the waking you up at 5 in the morning to tell you that they are hungry when clearly the fruit loops are sitting right on the shelf and they could go grab them but don't for God knows what reason… okay… scratch that…new plan. I will borrow my friend's children on Halloween. "After a long day at your responsible real job, I'm sure the last thing you feel like doing is taking your kids door to door in the cold. I'm not doing anything tonight. Why don't I take them for you? … No, it's no trouble at all… I am that good of a friend." Then you bring an extra bag and say, "Do you mind throwing an extra piece in this bag for Suzie's (yeah, no kids are named Suzie these day…) uh for Apple's younger brother Cumquat? He is home sick and we don't want to leave him out." Bag of candy for you, check! Granted you would have to go to a different development each year, but totally worth it. Plus, it's a solid reason to break out my killer Rainbow Brite costume. It's perfectly natural to feel jealous of my brilliance. Feel free to borrow. I'm here to help guide you.

Staples 1/8

For those of you who know my peeve with Staples, you know this blog letter is a long time coming...

Dear Staples,

Hello. First, thank you for making a store that you can purchase a large red button that boasts the statement, "That was Easy." Solid gold. Yet, I do have a little tiff I would like to share with you. Yesterday while fastening headshots and resumes together with my fantastic purple one touch staples stapler I was miffed to find that I had run out of staples. I was required to go purchase some more. So where else would I go but to the store by the same name? As I entered the haven of office supplies with the bright red sign I expected to find a large display of staples in front of the store. Much to my dismay they were no where to be found. Um, hi, Staples, YOU ARE NAMED FOR A PRODUCT THAT CAN'T BE FOUND IN YOUR STORE! As I quickly surveyed the store, I finally found them all the way in the back in an aisle that had a light bulb missing and some unidentified liquid dripping from the ceiling. Only then to find I had a choice between a Sam's Clubs type box of 80 million staples, that even if I walked around my house stapling everything I saw together, I would never be able to use all of them OR the mini white castle burger sized box that if I only got one would make me need more within 5 minutes. Irritated I bought the giant box. Sad to report that my brother was not happy that I stapled his socks together instead of folding them, but I had to use the staples. Let me give you a little advice, "STAPLES". If I ran your store I would have a huge freaking display in the front of the store with staples in various colors and shapes with fun shaped staplers. The hole punch figured this out years ago... welcome to creativity, Staples. Nonetheless, you have inspired me. Please look for the grand opening of my new store Lamps. We are going to be your one stop shopping for books.

xoxo,
Shannon :)

The "Joys" of Dating 3/22

In 6 days I am turning 26... or as I am calling it 25 take two. At 25 (v. 2.0), you tend to watch your friends have serious relationships, start to get married, or even, scary as it is (see kids blog) starting families. So, I thought it was time for me to hardcore dive in the dating world. It is something that truly takes a backseat in my life for lots of reasons, but mainly because sending out headshots, going to classes and pretending to be other people seems to take a lot of time. Yet, it seemed that I should make a valiant attempt. Today was supposed to be day one of this new adventure. I know what you’re saying, but Shannon, it’s 9:30 on Friday night and you’re writing a blog, was it that bad? You’re right, here I am in front of my little Mac Power book, with a grilled cheese sandwich and the NCAA Tournament... in my pjs. Why, may you ask? Here’s the thing. The moral of today’s story is that some people haven’t been privy to the lesson on how to not suck. Some people, I wont mention any names, but his name begins with a B and rhymes with fryin, send you e-mails that you didn’t think people actually send. Little history for your edification, we talked on the phone and had tons in common and I thought it was only fair to let him know before we met that I am in a wheelchair. I didn’t really think anything of it, except that I don’t like to hide who I am or try to fool someone into hanging out with me. I got an e-mail back, in response. You know what... I think that you need to read this e-mail for yourself. The following is not made up... I don’t even think I could make this up...

Sorry, but I think we should call it off. The wheelchair kinda changes things.
I’m disappointed because I was really looking forward to meeting you. You really seemed pretty much perfect for me. But, I don’t want to waste either of our time because I already know that this will be a deal breaker for me.
Good luck.

Okay buddy, here is the thing. 1. You’re "disappointed?" What would you like me to do? Do you want me to fix the fact that I am in a wheelchair? This is not a oh I’m disappointed, I thought you liked Sushi. How do you even write that? OH! Side note on this winner of a dude... he is a professor at the University of Pennsylvania. I guess when you study all the time, tact really doesn’t enter your sphere of learning. And 2. I "seemed pretty perfect for you", but not if I am sitting down? I don’t have leprosy. You can’t catch wheelchair. Maybe he didn’t know. Perhaps I should have informed him.

So, day one of Shannon’s dating extravaganza didn’t really go as I had planned. Although, grilled cheese and March Madness seems to make much more sense...even though I will probably loose the pool for the 6th year in a row. Eh. Moving on. I’m going to get a cookie.

Election Time 9/16

During the writers strike and my TiVo’s lack of usage, I turned to the next best thing. I began watching a lot about the upcoming election. From the debates asking the same six questions with minimal word rearranging to the flying pie charts on CNN to the always correct internet stories and finally probably the most credible source, Comedy Central, I watched or read it all. Though my top choices seemed to bail out early (Steven Colbert), my support fell to the always charismatic Obama. Perhaps the best candidate in my mind, yet flawed, I began to ponder who I would vote for if I could pick the ideal candidate. Someone who could lead our country to a fruitful economy, great foreign relationships and a generally happy society free from most of the hardships we seem to have an abundance of these days. After much debate with myself and a lot of frozen yogurt, I came to a name that I feel would fulfill all these things. Santa. Yep. Santa. Wait, hear me out! Regardless of your religion, it is common consensus that he is one of the most jolly people of all time. Looking at him and not smiling or being a little happier would require a lack of soul, which would make finding those people much easier. He doesn’t falter under pressure and is very ambitious. Santa cares about the human race and only has the best interest of his people in mind. His foreign relation skills are outstanding! I’ve seen the Santa tracker. Every year he goes to every country and checks in to open arms. He is also extremely efficient and gets crap done. Not only does he finish things he sets out to do, but he surrounds himself with hard workers who are also devoted to the best interest of the people. With their little person stature, they bring diversity that is lacking in the white house. Furthermore, (and this was what sold me) his ability to know where we are at all times, see when we’re sleeping and knowing when we are awake, as well as knowing when we’ve been bad or good would be insanely helpful to the CIA. We could just show him a picture of a bad guy. Santa can say, "Yep. He’s awake, he’s in a cave in blah bliddy blah and yep, he’s been a bastard." The CIA or Military can then go in, get the little prick and the problem is solved rather than developing a huge war that destroys our economy, country moral and foreign relations. Not that anything like that has happened... Finally, with Santa comes presents!! Who doesn’t like presents? Okay, maybe those poor people that had to pay crazy high taxes on the free cars from Oprah, but on the whole, No one! I bet if you went to take a tour of the white house, you’d leave with new and exciting knowledge about our presidents and the white house...and a pony. So, in conclusion, I think Santa would be an ideal choice. He’s always dressed in a suit and while it has been suggested that he has a history of breaking and entering, no formal charges have ever been filed and he has never been convicted. Vote Santa 2008. Thank you for your time. :)

Adventures at Jack's Mannequin

2010-03-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

The night began as a simple quest. Have a fun, see great band, and make fun of kids who all dress the same even though think they are unique. It’s amazing how one stray prosthetic leg can send you on a different path.

Jenny and I left dinner, Jack’s Mannequin at the Electric Factory bound. We found an excellent parking spot, if I do say so myself, and in we went. Pushing through a crowd of kids that appeared to be up way past their bed time, we made it to the little disabled “pen.” I can only equate it to an inside wooden deck with a ramp. We sat next to this girl on crutches and her friend. The four of us sat along the front railing, making us lucky enough to sit next to the bar area. I know... you’re shocked that there is a bar area. Me too! Any way... Up came a married couple and a kid who I am going to assume was the girl’s brother or gay friend. I have yet to decide. Either way, they were dancing... Well the gay best friend/brother, lets call him Justin, was dancing, the husband on the other hand was doing something that is going to haunt me in my sleep. I don’t want to go into more detail in case you have fantastic imaginations and you can envision the things I saw. How anyone can have rhythm that is opposite of the beat boggles my mind. I digress, it was nearing the end of the concert and the band had begun their encore when a drunk Justin turns to Jenny and I and yells, “Are you ready for this?” Me being the smart ass that I am responds with, “I don’t think anyone is ready for you.” He didn’t seem to get it. Then he turns to the girl next to us and the following dialogue begins...

“Come on! Are you ready to JUMP!?” says Justin, excitedly.
“Well, No, I am on crutches,” declared the girl next to me... on crutches.
“It’s cool! I have a prosthetic leg.”
To which I said, dripping with sarcasm, “Of course you do...”
“No seriously! LOOK!”

Then Justin proceeds to take off his leg and placed it on the banister in front of us. That just happened. Just when I thought it couldn’t get weirder, Justin hands his leg to the crowd. The kid he handed it to looked insanely confused, shrugged his shoulders as to say whatever, and then sent the leg crowd surfing. All the kids who were taking pictures of the show turned in unison to snap pictures of the leg floating over the sea of people like a buoy in rough waters, only funnier. The only thing that could top that sight, was the reaction Justin had to the incident. Crutches girl - “Don’t you need that to walk?!” Justin, very nonchalant - “Meh, yeah.” This friends seemed to unfazed by the whole scenario, as though he does this kind of thing regularly. There’s Justin, passing his leg around again.

I feel like many missed connections could have been written that night... Here are a few that I imagined...

To now potentially legless drunk kid at Jack’s Mannequin Concert - W4M - 27:
I have seen a lot of shit in my day, but I have to tell you seeing your leg crowd surf over a packed house of 15 year olds was probably the greatest thing of all time. Thank you for making my night a little better.

To My Leg - M4NoGender - 4:
We were together for four years. You kept me supported and upright, allowing me to walk through the world without falling over. In a drunken state I sent you away. It’s been a few days and I miss your support. Leg, if you’re reading this, please email, text or poke me on FaceBook.

Vampire or Werewolf?

2010-01-30T19:02:00.000-08:00

I work at a store. My job includes fixing electronic devices. I can’t say more or the swat team will fly in through my windows and take me away. If this blog goes unfinished... you know why. Any way... I meet people from all walks of life every day. Even though there is generally small talk exchanged, I often wonder if the guy wearing glasses and carrying a briefcase is actually a spy or perhaps the lady with Bump-It is actually an infomercial product model. While amassing the stories in my mind about the people I meet, a thought popped into my head. I wonder if a Vampire or a Werewolf ever came into our store. Followup question - Who would I rather help? Now obviously a Werewolf, pre-morph, and by Twilight standards (not that I have seen those movies... more than once...) means that I would be required to help an attractive guy sans shirt with rock hard abs. Umm.. end of conversation. You’d have to have been mauled by the Werewolf first, not to choose to help him. Even then, if you’re a girl and still alive, let’s be honest, you’d still choose to help the Werewolf.

Still, when the Werewolf morphs, his jean shorts seem to rip off so quickly that they disappear almost simultaneously. Physical damage to the product. Seeing as the probably have no recollection of the incident happening, a fight would ensue over whether they actually damaged the aforementioned product. I don’t have the time or energy to explain that even if the “other you” broke the product, it’s still your body, therefore, not my fault. Furthermore, there is a strong possibility that upon inspection of the device, there could be remnants of last nights “kill.” Seeing as I close my eyes during a surgery scene during Grey’s Anatomy, I’m thinking my stomach wouldn’t be able to handle potential flesh, hair and blood causing electronic malfunction. I actually just threw up in my mouth a little after thinking about the previous sentence.

Moving on... our other option is the Vampire. If a man came into my store looking down and to the left while looking as though a bottle of glitter threw up on him, the only thing that would proceed that encounter would be 20 minutes of solid laughter. Bonus points for making me laugh. Also, he would probably recall how the phone was damaged, so hopefully there wouldn’t be too much of an argument. Still, the liquid damage would probably be blood... and we know where I sit on that matter. Yet, it would be better than flesh... Finally, Vampires are super speedy, so I feel like they would run away before paying, which would leave me deprived of a job.

I think the finally factor needs to be how quickly can one escape if said Vampire or Werewolf tried to attack. I am pretty sure guns would not be appropriate in the work place, hence the ability to shoot the werewolf with a silver bullet may prove difficult. Whereas, if the vampire decided to attack, there is plenty of wood around and lots of boys who would enjoy making a stake to shove in one’s heart. Plus, if it’s day time I can always run outside and make them melt Wicked Witch style.

Therefore, I think my verdict is Vampire. Less arguing, more laughter and a solid escape route. Vampires welcome. Werewolves, there is another store down the street with appointments. Thanks for your time.

Chuck Norris the Van Facts

2009-12-27T18:11:00.000-08:00

I created this list in honor of my new van, Chuck Norris... the irony is that he isn't working correctly at the moment... oh well... still enjoyable!

1. Chuck Norris doesn't need his oil changed. His oil changes itself.
2. Chuck Norris isn't driven, he's already there.
3. Chuck Norris's handicap plate doesn't signify his disability, rather his ability to make you handicap if you cut him off.
4. All of Chuck Norris's belts are black and can round house kick you in the face.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't need breaks. Traffic moves around him.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't need gas. He runs on the tears of children.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't need windshield wipes. Rain repels from the windshield out of fear.
8. Chuck Norris can go from 0 - awesome in .000000001 seconds.
9. Chuck Norris's transmission was renamed mission accomplished.
10. Once a 2009 Escalade cut off Chuck Norris, and he round house kicked him into a 1971 Ford Pinto.
11. Emergency vehicles pull to the side when they see Chuck Norris coming.
12. Buckle up for Chuck Norris. He is the law.
13. Chuck Norris doesn't have to worry about speeding tickets because you can't clock awesome.
14. Chuck Norris's unborn child can kick your kid on honor roll's ass.

Cakesters

2009-12-27T18:10:00.001-08:00

Cakesters...

As I canvassed the cookie aisle, like I normally do, I came across a product that I stared at for a good 6 minutes. It was the Oreo Cakester. I couldn’t understand why I was so baffled by Oreo’s new invention. I love Oreos. I love cake. Deductive reasoning - oreo + cake = awesome... Yet, for some reason they look super gross. It was this intrigue that forced me to take them home. PSA: Don’t do the same thing. Wow. After biting it and spitting it into the trashcan almost simultaneously, I had a revelation of how the Cakester came to fruition. No my friends, it was not the overwhelming desire to combine cake and oreos into a fantastic combination of deliciousness. Had that been the case, it would not taste as though a moon-pie threw up and they put it in a box. Here is what I think happened.

Jim and Susan were working in the factory making oreos, when Susan noticed that the water jug needed to be refilled. Jim, the scrawny worker who spends his spare time playing World of Warcraft, wanted to impress his female coworker. He promptly volunteered for the daunting task. For reasons unbeknownst to the workers of the Oreo factory, the water cooler is extremely close to the conveyor belt. Perhaps as people watch the Oreos progress to their happy home in the sealed plastic bag, they get thirsty and cannot risk taking an eye of these tasty treats for the cookies like to jump ship before reaching the final product. Nonetheless, Jim carried the jug. His arms shaking and knees buckling under the jug that weighs about the same as Jim. Yet, his eyes remained on the prize: impressing Susan. Striding with every ounce of his tiny frame, he reaches the cooler. As he went to place the new jug on the cooler, his hand, from the combination of condensation and sweat, slipped. The jug and it’s 5 Gallons of water spun around and landed on the conveyor belt filled with newly sandwiched cookies. Everyone in the factory runs to the area of the incident and they noticed something bizarre. The cookies puffed up like a sponge or those magic growing toys. As the boss approached the belt, primed and ready to fire someone, Jim - trying to save his job - spits out the phrase, “They aren’t ruined! I just invented a new cookie! The... um... CAKESTER!” The boss, looked at him with his generic blank stare, thinking of how he could take credit, saw the dollar signs in the sky, and agreed to let Jim’s mishap slide. Susan was impressed at his quick thinking and Jim won the girl. Good for Jim, but craptastic for us! No one should have to be subjected to these cookies. If that’s what you want to call them.

Letters to Nickelodeon

2009-01-25T19:30:00.000-08:00

December 2, 2007

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hello! First, I just want to commend you on some brilliant programming. The fact that over the years you have had the ability to transcend cultures and age through shows about square kitchen cleaning items, saluting shorts, having to climb a giant rock-esque wall only get a piece of it in the end and a doctor gnome who rides a fox, makes me a devoted fan. Yet, while I was perusing the channels the other day I landed on a show of yours that baffled me. It is apparently called “Catdog” and in case you are unaware, it consists of a creature with a dog head on one end and a cat on the other. While I can appreciate the juxtaposition of the societal deemed enemies forced together beyond their control, there is a question that automatically sprung to mind. According to anatomy of mammals and Wikipedia, the kidney is located near the bottom of the spine and to which the water from the blood is directed. From there, it needs to excreted from the body. So, my question is, how the heck does Catdog pee?

Thanks! Looking forward to your answers.

Love,
Shannon DeVido

April 2, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hi again! I haven’t heard from you since my last letter, but I am sure you are busy. I hope everything is going well for you. I am writing because I have another question regarding this so called, “CatDog.” Now ultimately, the being had to be conceived by a dog and a cat. Does CatDog know his parents? Furthermore, did society shun them for their unconventional love? What happened to them? Did they raise CatDog together? I understand that the Greaser Dogs – Cliff, Lube, and Shriek – often rag on CatDog for being different. Did his parents offer any advice on how to overcome the torment he would potentially face over the course of his years?

Reading through the previous paragraph, it occurred to me that I suggested CatDog is a “he,” yet without the appearance of genitalia, is the sex of CatDog known?

Thanks!

Love,

Shannon DeVido

July 18, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

Hi again. Still haven’t heard from you, but I’m sure the letters are coming. Follow up from the previous letters. Having studied the effects of spinal cord injuries, when the thoracic and lumbar levels of the spine are jeopardized, areas of the body, including the legs and abdomen, are affected. Furthermore, in the central nervous system, neurons from the brain send signals through the spine to allow the growth and full usage of the muscles as well as the functionality of the body. Should this process be compromised in any way, the body would no longer be able to operate. Looking at the physiological makeup of CatDog, it appears he/she (I still haven’t received a proper answer on the sex of it) could possibly be joined at the spine. Is this an accurate assumption? I am concerned if he/she plays too hard, that his/her body may combust. It’s tragedy waiting to occur on television.

I’m patiently awaiting your answers.

Xoxo,

Shannon DeVido

September 1, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon –

It’s me again. Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you and I’m concerned something bad has happened. So, while I was buying dog food for my dog Mia, it occurred to me that cats and dogs eat different foods. When buying food, does CatDog buy dog food or cat food? Also, while dogs are allergic to chocolate, cats are not. Can CatDog eat chocolate?

Thanks!

Kisses and poodles,

Shannon DeVido

December 8, 2008

Dear Nickelodeon,

Hello! Hope you haven’t forgotten about me. I’m sure you're writing me as we speak, so hopefully this will reach you before you send that letter with all my answers. The Cat side of CatDog has a crush on Tallulah, yet, as I pointed out in a previous letter, CatDog does not appear to have any genitalia. My question is more of a philosophical one. Is the origin of love in the brain? Moreover, the observation of CatDog’s love is a firm affirmation that attraction is not chosen, yet, it is a chemical reaction within the brain. Do you agree?

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Love always,

Shannon DeVido

Thoughts from the subway

2008-06-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

When one goes down into the subway various thoughts run through their head. I wonder what crazy people touching themselves I am going to be in close proximity to today. or Hopefully the train is running on time because I have used the excuse the train was running late one too many times this week. or the always fun... I hope I win at guess the smell today. Yet, many people do not have the thought I hope I don't get stuck in the subway, be berated by angry woman police officers, be saved by the hottest cop in NYC, only to get stuck in an elevator 20 minutes later. Luckily, my good friend Alyson and I had the pleasure of living out this rarely thought notion.

It all started at 4:00 am when we woke up to get on a train to NYC so I could walk down a hallway in an episode of Rescue Me - oh the irony. (Alyson is way too good of a friend, but you will see this more and more as the day progresses) We arrive just as the train is pulling up and on we go! We arrive to the hustle and bustle of the morning commuters all furiously scurrying to their high power office jobs. They pick up their morning coffee at the 12 Dunkin Donuts they pass and Alyson and I make our way to the subway, super hungry, because even though we awoke at the crack of freaking dawn, we somehow were running a bit late.

We go down the elevator and get onto the subway we believed was bound for my job on Roosevelt Island. (I have deemed this a place normal people should avoid. Seriously if you want to be part of NYC, push your island closer so that we can take a freaking bus to you) Sadly, we were going the wrong way. Now, normally this would not be a problem. So, we get off at an "accessible" station assuming that we could just cross over and get on the correct train, and only be a few minutes late. haha! Hold it right there. The universe said we're not making it that easy. Sorry! We get out to find the elevator is broken and this is the last accessible station. Awesome! Alyson gets on the little intercom to a lady that one can only describe as the person who applied for the greeter at the Oz door but didn't get the job and has since then had her soul sucked out by a bus Little Mermaid style. Needless to say she was the least helpful person ever and I decided to walk over and talk to the people running the subway. Now I understand that being from another country often prohibits you from understanding what I am saying to you, but looking at me like I have just pushed an old lady with a walker onto the tracks and stole her apples is not necessary. Finally they called over the two female cops that were just a joy to speak with. And when I say a joy, what I really mean is I would rather hit myself with a frying pan than speak with them again. After us explaining the situation to these two people whose job description is help people in need, they refused to help us stating it was agaist their rules. Yeah...

So Alyson goes up to make a phone call for me, and while she is up there, down the stairs came my four knights in shining... well... navy blue police uniforms. Officer McCartney (I love you... if you are reading this... I don't live far... we can make this work), Officer Alfonso, Officer Tornin and Officer Wecantrememberhisnamebuthewasverynice. After getting in a heated argument with the bitch officers, they came to the conclusion that they would carry my chair up the stairs while Alyson takes me up. How they carried it up the stairs was much like the four guys carrying the volkswagon in that Mentos commercial, minus the mentos. I will always carry mentos for these moments. (Kudos to that comparison, Aly)

7:45 am - HURRAY! We're out and ready to go down the other elevator and get to my job! We get in and yes happy reader, we get to the bottom and the door will not open. So, we try again only to get stuck 3 feet above the floor and the door now jammed. How great! Now we're stuck in the elevator. We call our soulless friend on the intercom again who does a whole lot of nothing. Down come our band of merry police officers who try to pry us out. As strong (and beautiful) as they (well, one of them) were they were unsuccessful. So, they call... The fire department! Woo! We decided that seeing as I needed to go to a hospital, if they had shot us, people would have arrived quicker and I would have gotten to my job! It was a win win... Unfortunately they did not agree. Finally 45 minutes, a few panic attacks and the game of guess the rancid smell having lost it's entertainment value later, the firefighter (in full uniform I might add) arrives! He frees us from our pee filled shack, without using his ax. (bummer...)

We get on our train, get to my job at Rescue Me (so grateful that they allowed me to work), laughed at the irony that I became the most dedicated method actor ever, vowed never to ride the subway again, became so incredibly grateful to have Alyson, ended up getting roses at SuperMac and had a great day. Still, the journey to get there was definitely not boring. Just another day in my crazy life. :)

New BlogSpace

2008-04-21T05:15:00.000-07:00

Hi!! Welcome to my new blogspace! The following blogs are from my myspace blogs, but look for more adventures and thoughts to come. Thanks for reading!

Kids

2008-04-21T05:09:00.000-07:00

At 25, most females my age are thinking about having children and starting families. As I sit here at my computer, Yellowcard pop-punk fusion blasting and a picture of a the Simpson inspiring donut store as my background, I am thinking it's perhaps not where my head is located at this time. Yet, after just viewing my friend's myspace and the new pictures of her child all dressed up for Halloween the urge to have a child grew. Reason – The ability to have get free candy comes flying back into the picture. If you have a child you can go trick or treating again! Okay, yes, you have to deal with the temper tantrums, the crying, the pooping, the waking you up at 5 in the morning to tell you that they are hungry when clearly the fruit loops are sitting right on the shelf and they could go grab them but don't for God knows what reason… okay… scratch that…new plan. I will borrow my friend's children on Halloween. Here is how I see this going down... "After a long day at your 'responsible' 'grownup' real job, I'm sure the last thing you feel like doing is taking your kids door to door in the cold. I'm not doing anything tonight. Why don't I take them for you? … No, it's no trouble at all… I am that good of a friend." Then you bring an extra bag and say, "Do you mind throwing an extra piece in this bag for Suzie's (yeah, no kids are named Suzie these day…)... for Apple's younger brother Cumquat? He is home sick and we don't want to leave him out." Bag of candy for you, check! Granted you would have to go to a different development each year, but totally worth it. Plus, it's a solid reason to break out my killer Rainbow Brite costume. It's perfectly natural to feel jealous. Feel free to borrow it. I'm here to help.

Grammy Thoughts

2008-04-21T05:08:00.002-07:00

As I sat watching the Grammys last night it left me saying, thank God the writers are returning soon because putting people through this kind of torture due to the fact that NOTHING else is on, is just flat out mean. (Side note to the lack of TV: I have become obsessed with the democratic nomination selection... I am reduced to caring about our political system. What kind of America is this...)

Yet, I produced a few thoughts, which I found extremely surprising that some existed as I felt my brain cells fleeing out my ears in horror.

1. I was perusing my rock star handbook, there are only two types of people who are allowed to wear sunglasses indoors. (Shockingly the man who wrote I wear sunglasses at night is not on the list) Those people are the ones who are blind (Stevie Wonder, Andrea Boccelli) and Bono. Even though I think one who doesn't have a grasp on speaking English and using correct grammar should be a disability, but last time I checked you still don't get to park in the good spaces. Flo Rida, I'm talking to you. Take off the glasses. You look like a moron.

2. What is the attraction to Amy Winehouse? She is nuts, her music is crap and a half, and she sounds like a man. They tried to make me listen and I said no, no, no. This is a mystery that will puzzle me for YEARS to come. I do have a theory that one of her tattoos is hypnotic and anyone that gets near her becomes entranced. It's either that or the car wreck theory. It's so horrible, but you can't look away. I will say this for her though, at least Cyndi Lauper has found a kindred spirit. They can go be insanely bizarre together.

3. I thought Herbie Hancock was a car from a Disney movie.

4. Tina Turner has the most amazing legs of any 70 year old in the universe, but was it me or did she seem to have a load in her tinfoil color spandex? Also, next time Beyonce, could you make your outfit a little shorter? It was really inconsiderate of you to think that the people in the balcony could see up your dress. Yes the entire orchestra could, but you really don't care about the people in the cheap seats.

5. Was that man in the Time playing a keytar? Oh my gosh... there is a God.

6. Finally, if Josh Groban and Andrea Boccelli sounded any better I am pretty sure they would be shipped off to "Too Talented Island." I hear it is a lot like Lost only the dialog and story lines make sense.

Staples

2008-04-21T05:08:00.001-07:00

For those of you who know my peeve with Staples, you know this blog letter is a long time coming...

Dear Staples,

Hello. First, thank you for making a store that you can purchase a large red button that boasts the statement, "That was Easy." Solid gold. Yet, I do have a little tiff I would like to share with you. Yesterday while fastening headshots and resumes together with my fantastic purple one touch staples stapler I was miffed to find that I had run out of staples. I was required to go purchase some more. So where else would I go but to the store by the same name? As I entered the haven of office supplies with the bright red sign I expected to find a large display of staples in front of the store. Much to my dismay they were no where to be found. Um, hi, Staples, YOU ARE NAMED FOR A PRODUCT THAT CAN'T BE FOUND IN YOUR STORE! As I quickly surveyed the store, I finally found them all the way in the back in an aisle that had a light bulb missing and some unidentified liquid dripping from the ceiling. Only then to find I had a choice between a Sam's Clubs type box of 80 million staples, that even if I walked around my house stapling everything I saw together, I would never be able to use all of them OR the mini white castle burger sized box that if I only got one would make me need more within 5 minutes. Irritated I bought the giant box. Sad to report that my brother was not happy that I stapled his socks together instead of folding them, but I had to use the staples. Let me give you a little advice, "STAPLES". If I ran your store I would have a huge freaking display in the front of the store with staples in various colors and shapes with fun shaped staplers. The hole punch figured this out years ago... welcome to creativity, Staples. Nonetheless, you have inspired me. Please look for the grand opening of my new store Lamps. We are going to be your one stop shopping for books.

xoxo,
Shannon :)

New Candidate

2008-04-21T05:06:00.001-07:00

During the writers strike and my TiVo’s lack of usage, I turned to the next best thing. I began watching a lot about the upcoming election. From the debates asking the same six questions with minimal word rearranging to the flying pie charts on CNN to the always correct internet stories and finally probably the most credible source, Comedy Central, I watched or read it all. Though my top choices seemed to bail out early (John Edwards and Steven Colbert), my support fell to the always charismatic Obama. Perhaps the best candidate in my mind, yet flawed, I began to ponder who I would vote for if I could pick the ideal candidate. Someone who could lead our country to a fruitful economy, great foreign relationships and a generally happy society free from most of the hardships we seem to have an abundance of these days. After much debate with myself and a lot of frozen yogurt, I came to a name that I feel would fulfill all these things. Santa. Yep. Santa. Wait, hear me out! Regardless of your religion, it is common consensus that he is one of the most jolly people of all time. Looking at him and not smiling or being a little happier would require a lack of soul, which would make finding those people much easier. He doesn’t falter under pressure and is very ambitious. Santa cares about the human race and only has the best interest of his people in mind. His foreign relation skills are outstanding! I’ve seen the Santa tracker. Every year he goes to every country and checks in to open arms. He is also extremely efficient and gets crap done. Not only does he finish things he sets out to do, but he surrounds himself with hard workers who are also devoted to the best interest of the people. With their little person stature, they bring diversity that is lacking in the white house. Furthermore, (and this was what sold me) his ability to know where we are at all times, see when we’re sleeping and knowing when we are awake, as well as knowing when we’ve been bad or good would be insanely helpful to the CIA. We could just show him a picture of a bad guy. Santa can say, "Yep. He’s awake, he’s in a cave in blah bliddy blah and yep, he’s been a bastard." The CIA or Military can then go in, get the little prick and the problem is solved rather than developing a huge war that destroys our economy, country moral and foreign relations. Not that anything like that has happened... Finally, with Santa comes presents!! Who doesn’t like presents? Okay, maybe those poor people that had to pay crazy high taxes on the free cars from Oprah, but on the whole, No one! I bet if you went to take a tour of the white house, you’d leave with new and exciting knowledge about our presidents and the white house...and a pony. So, in conclusion, I think Santa would be an ideal choice. He’s always dressed in a suit and while it has been suggested that he has a history of breaking and entering, no formal charges have ever been filed and he has never been convicted. Vote Santa 2008. Thank you for your time. :)

Forray into the dating frontier

2008-04-21T05:06:00.000-07:00

In 6 days I am turning 26... or as I am calling it 25 take two. At 25 (v. 2.0), you tend to watch your friends have serious relationships, start to get married, or even, scary as it is (see kids blog) starting families. So, I thought it was time for me to hardcore dive in the dating world. It is something that truly takes a backseat in my life for lots of reasons, but mainly because sending out headshots, going to classes and pretending to be other people seems to take a lot of time. Yet, it seemed that I should make a valiant attempt. Today was supposed to be day one of this new adventure. I know what you’re saying, but Shannon, it’s 9:30 on Friday night and you’re writing a blog, was it that bad? You’re right, here I am in front of my little Mac Power book, with a grilled cheese sandwich and the NCAA Tournament... in my pjs. Why, may you ask? Here’s the thing. The moral of today’s story is that some people haven’t been privy to the lesson on how to not suck. Some people, I wont mention any names, but his name begins with a B and rhymes with fryin, send you e-mails that you didn’t think people actually send. Little history for your edification, we talked on the phone and had tons in common and I thought it was only fair to let him know before we met that I am in a wheelchair. I didn’t really think anything of it, except that I don’t like to hide who I am or try to fool someone into hanging out with me. I got an e-mail back, in response. You know what... I think that you need to read this e-mail for yourself. The following is not made up... I don’t even think I could make this up...

Sorry, but I think we should call it off. The wheelchair kinda changes things.
I’m disappointed because I was really looking forward to meeting you. You really seemed pretty much perfect for me. But, I don’t want to waste either of our time because I already know that this will be a deal breaker for me.
Good luck.

Okay buddy, here is the thing. 1. You’re "disappointed?" What would you like me to do? Do you want me to fix the fact that I am in a wheelchair? This is not a oh I’m disappointed, I thought you liked Sushi. How do you even write that? OH! Side note on this winner of a dude... he is a professor at the University of Pennsylvania. I guess when you study all the time, tact really doesn’t enter your sphere of learning. And 2. I "seemed pretty perfect for you", but not if I am sitting down? I don’t have leprosy. You can’t catch wheelchair. Maybe he didn’t know. Perhaps I should have informed him.

So, day one of Shannon’s dating extravaganza didn’t really go as I had planned. Although, grilled cheese and March Madness seems to make much more sense...even though I will probably loose the pool for the 6th year in a row. Eh. Moving on. I’m going to get a cookie.